Things not to get me for Christmas

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know”

We (like everyone else) seem to have everything.

Then we hit on a couple of good ideas. He wanted another duvet to put over the existing one. Which inspired me. I said I wanted another ex-army blanket.

Then we decided these might not be very exciting to open on the day. So should we think of other things too? And if the answer’s yes, why? Do gifts have to be useless but over-packaged? Can’t they be infinitely useful and not just fussy junk?

Men are supposed to want tools, women are supposed to want perfume and underwear, aren’t we? God, please no.

So, for anyone interested, seven things I will never want as a present.

1. Perfume. I have a Felix Unger attitude to smelling it and wearing it. It’s all vile. And yes, I often get the pretentious response to this from others: ‘Have you tried Chanel no. 5?’ Oh, get lost.

2. Underwear. No one knows my precise size, taste or erratic preferences. I recently bought myself a pair of long, woollen knickers (think knee-length, knitted bloomers and you’re getting there). They’re marvellous. Who’d have guessed?

3. Jewellery. Sorry. Apart from a watch. But not anything with diamanté, glitter or sparkle; and not one with a plastic strap either. You can buy me some old, ugly thing that a man of 82 might wear. Wind it up, listen to it tick, see how it loses three minutes a day… 4. Wine. You drink it.

5. Books. I can be put off reading a good book by the wrong person saying, ‘You really should read it.’ This includes recipe books.

6. Gadgets. Why? Even if you buy me an Idiot’s Guide to… (insert gadget name here) to go with it, I won’t use it. I know I should get with it but they just bore me.

7. Things for the house (vases, ornaments, picture frames, art…) I have nowhere to put them. And my house reflects me – simple and practical, uncluttered, unadorned. Thank you.

BUT… before I’m accused of being sour, impossible to please and difficult (all true), here are some things I do like.

1. Office supplies. From notebooks to staplers, paper clips and biros. It’s all going to get used 2. Cologne. 4711.

3. Shopping vouchers. I won’t be offended. Honestly.

4. A wig. I’ve never worn one before and might enjoy seeing what it feels like to be a bobbed blonde, a Rita Hayworth brunette or just someone with dead straight hair. For a day or two anyway.

5. Anything from the Chesham or Wendover antique shops.

6. A blowout in Harrods food hall.

7. Sleep. To make up for the days/months I’ve lost since being a mother.

And while I’m on the subject of shopping please bring back canned music. Every shop now has trashy music booming out at shoppers. Probably some young shop assistant’s choice. It bloody awful.

I welcome bland, meaningless music which doesn’t have some teen employee’s identity stamped on it. I have my own taste and don’t want someone else’s choices shoved into my consciousness while I’m trying to choose, think, calculate, decide and maybe buy something.

It’ll be in libraries next…

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