IN the end, it was the voices that decided the general election. Michael Howard lost because of his weird pronunciation. His quaint way must have put loads of electors off, because no one modern speaks like what he does.

Well, perhaps the dialect is a bit odd here in Bucks, so that's why the county stayed so solidly Tory.

Most prefer the slightly posh, but down-to-earth clipped barrister tones of Tony Blair. His accent reminds me of the puppets in the Spitting Image TV series. For New Labour, read New Dialect.

Foreign Secretary Jack Straw is another one. He has a posh, but modern breathless academic voice that must have been groomed at a top university and makes him sound very young and with it.

In essence then, Howard sounds a relic of a bygone era, while the Labour lot seem up-to-date, or macho Scottish. It's as simple as that and Tories will only grab back Parliament if they change their speech patterns, as opposed to policies.

The one thing that confuses me about my theory, though, is the case of Home Secretary Charles Clarke. He's always dubbed a bruiser and, by his grizzled appearance, you expect to hear a Ray Winstone-type "I'm the daddy" voice.

I was shocked, therefore, when he opened his mouth and a very silky soft stream of words poured out. However, his successor as education secretary is Ruth Kelly, who is the exact opposite.

Her gruffness sounds as if she's auditioning for char lady in EastEnders. Perhaps Clarke and Kelly accidentally swapped voices when she took his job. If that's possible, maybe Howard could do worse than try a transplant from Wycombe MP Paul Goodman.