February 6, 2001 11:40: ALTERNATIVE POP SINGERS

DO you remember the song American Pie which talked about 'the day the music died'? Well, dear reader, for me that day was Saturday.

Like thousands of others I applied to the TV show Pop Stars in which five people are chosen to form a band, make a record, get fame and fortune etc, etc.

You may not have heard much of me as the series has gone on. Frankly I thought that was just because the sight of such awesome talent would prove daunting to the other contestants.

Now it appears, unbelievably, that I am not to be selected. Where did I go wrong?

I dyed my hair blonde, spent months down the gym growing out-of-proportion muscles and learnt an impressive range of street slang expressions. The words 'what's up' and 'that would be cool' are never far from my lips these days.

Hell, I even taught myself to sing out of tune (rapping I think it is called).

And still they managed to choose five others. Incredible. This is a tragedy not just for me but for High Wycombe too, which has shot right off the musical map since the disappearance of the Godlike Howard Jones.

Still, never mind, I refuse to admit defeat so easily. In fact I think people are becoming rather tired of their pop stars being pert, good-looking and young.

So with this in mind I am shortly to launch auditions for an alternative pop group which is to be called Fatzone.

The idea is that instead of the usual boy band look, I will be searching for women and men who have let themselves go a bit.

The men should have huge beer bellies, be losing their hair (even their teeth if possible) and have no sense of rhythm whatsoever. The women should be unattractive, have no clothes sense and should answer to the name of Elsie. It would also be helpful if potential candidates had dubious past lives and had trouble with personal hygiene.

This I am sure is more the kind of pop star that the average man and woman in the street can identify with.

I certainly expect to find lots of suitable candidates in the High Wycombe area.

GET THE HINT MANDY

DOES anyone at all care about Peter Mandelson and the boring passport story. I had not bothered commenting on it as I thought the whole wretched business might go away but still the whole tedious saga rumbles on.

First exile in Northern Ireland, then forced to resign and still the man doesn't get the message.

Go away.

By.Paul Ryan