February 8, 2001 12:15: IT may have been a man who first discovered America and a man who first landed on the moon. But men haven't got a clue when it comes to things that matter like keeping the girl in their life happy on Valentine's Day. Most of them anyway.

It all comes down to expectations, of course. Her expectation? Something utterly romantic. The more romantic, the more it proves he loves me.

His expectation? It's all going to be horribly, horribly embarrassing. And tacky. If I get it wrong, I'll never hear the last of it. If I get it right, she'll tell all her friends how soppy I am and it'll get back to my mates and then what?

Yet woe betide the man who cops out and decides to skip Valentine's Day. It's simply not worth it.

So first the card. There must be a card, though perhaps a beautifully wrapped single rose might just do instead. Strangely enough, women are more likely to choose funny cards while men choose romantic verse.

What about a gift? Whatever it is, this is not the time for bargain-hunting. Better a single super orchid than a big bunch of cut-price blooms that suggest your love is as wilting as the flowers. It's the same with chocs. This is not the time for a "30 per cent extra free" pack.

Underwear is tricky. She might love it but some women interpret undies as a hint to strip off for his benefit. And there's a good chance it won't fit.

Perfume, remember, is a personal thing. Notice her favourites and which bottle is the emptiest and buy that one.

How about chillies as a gift for your lover?

Chillies and chocs do for food lovers what George Clooney and Britney Spears do to some human heartrates, or so Somerfield Stores would have us believe. And they are reducing the price of both chocs and fresh chillies for Valentine's Day to help spice up our lives.

Their food technologist Emma Bell explains: "Some foods contain substances that can release endorphins. These are extremely powerful natural chemicals that act as painkillers as well as providing a sensation of pleasure."

Fresh chillies contain capsaicin, a substance that causes the brain to release endorphins providing a natural buzz. That's why it's possible to become almost addicted to very spicy foods as well as falling for chocoholism. So tuck a few chillies in with those roses and that box of chocs.

Or is it scent that succeeds in wafting love into the air? Alfie Molinaro, landlord of the White Hart in Beaconsfield, thinks so. He says: "The sense of smell can have a very powerful effect on memory and emotion. We think certain soothing scents are a wonderful way of putting people at ease when they're with their favourite person."

So on February 14, expect the aroma of jasmine an aphrodisiac and ideal for promoting success in love from scented candles and essential oils while you dine at Alfie's with your loved one. Other scents may be rosemary excellent for broken hearts and bringing contentment and lavender, which some say encourages fidelity.

Don't despair if you haven't got a Valentine to worry about. London Zoo can come to the rescue. Find your perfect partner through the zoo's Animal Blind Date, a new matchmaking feature found at www.londonzoo.co.uk/blinddate.

You just answer a few lifestyle questions and the zoo will do all the hard work for you, selecting a matching partner. A picture of the beloved creature will then pop up on your screen. All that's needed then (as with all matchmaking) is that you make a dent in your finances to support it.

Are you the kind of person who loves silk, fresh rock oysters, dresses in black tie and goes for the wet look? Then a penguin is clearly the perfect match. Or are you more the pint of lager, tracksuit and trainers type? How about a pot-bellied pig to support?

Valentine cards

ROSES wither, chocs get eaten but many a Valentine card gets hoarded away as a precious memento of love.

Romantics have been writing and preserving Valentine cards for generations.

And it's men who send most. In fact men send more Valentine cards than any other kind of card.

Perhaps that's because the chief role of a wife or partner is to take on the card-sending burden through the rest of the year.

The first Valentine message was, of course, from St Valentine himself. He is said to have restored the sight of his jailer's blind daughter and the night before he died, wrote a farewell note signed "from your Valentine".

Hallmark Cards' research shows that lovers have always wanted to send romantic sonnets and poems to their beloved. In the 18th century you could buy a book called Young Man's Valentine Writer filled with verses. They could just choose the one they liked best and pass it off as their own.

The idea caught on. Soon there were books that covered different trades so a suitor could pick one that matched his lifestyle.

The ladies' edition that followed included verses to give a firm put-down to unwanted suitors.

Some never give up. The Countess of Newburgh gave the brush-off to an earl 15 times and locked him out of her house. So he climbed down her chimney and pledged his love. It was a case of 16th time lucky.

More than 22 million Valentine cards will be sent next week.

By.Sandra Carter