SO just what is grabbing the attention of the good folk of High Wycombe in these troubled days? Is it the plight of a whole nation – Haiti – in the wake of a disastrous earthquake or the continuing death toll of our soldiers in Afghanistan?

Or maybe it’s who’s going to win the General Election or perhaps the machinations of Celebrity Big Brother, which surely must hit the national political agenda soon such is its obvious importance judging by the headlines the show generates. Well we all know it’s actually none of those. Potholes – that’s where it is all happening for Wycombe.

If I read it right our whole area is about to disappear into an asteroid-size crater leaving behind a steaming hole in Buckinghamshire the like of which has never been seen since the science fiction B movies of the 50s. Indeed I believe the potholes are alien life forms producing at an alarming rate and will eventually join up to create ‘The Pothole: It Came From Outerspace’. This is a sound theory because one member of the public posting on the Bucks Free website last week wrote: “Reported two in Wooburn Green over a week ago, both are still there and growing by the minute’ (dum-dum-dum – my music not theirs).

So there you have it, irrefutable evidence that these potholes are organic and spreading.

We already knew there was something of a problem when the snow lines started retreating to reveal holes in our roads which, to be honest, were not unexpected considering the severity of the weather. Just normal crumbly road stuff really.

However our suspicions became slightly aroused when seeing cars weaving violently to avoid potholes that had grown large enough to swallow a small dog (maybe that’s what they feed on – anyone lost a dog recently?).

We finally realised this was more than just a normal pothole crisis when a WHOLE road disappeared (cue more science fiction dum-dum-dum music). Kingsmead Road has gone, been wiped off the Ordinance Survey maps as a zillion alien potholes finally joined up. We know this to be true because last week we heard that buses couldn’t go down there anymore.

During the mounting crisis Richard Pushman, chairman of Bucks County Council told Hughenden Parish Council that he was ‘amazed’ people were not reporting potholes. Silly man, of course they’re not. As soon as anyone sees a pothole they get eaten by them.

The council is doing its best. Teams have been sent out with buckets of stuff to fill the holes. The trouble is no one has ever seen them again.

Eventually the whole area will be sealed off by the army. Floodlights will be brought in to make sure the Wycombe Pothole doesn’t move, there’ll be tanks, big guns and soldiers keeping an eye on it while those in Whitehall or Aylesbury decide what to do. They’ll bomb it of course. That’s what they always do; I’ve seen the films. Obviously it’ll make the hole bigger, but then they can just fill it up with Lincolnshire – I don’t think that’s used for much.

Or, of course, we can just all chill out a little. Realise this is an exceptional situation. That it will get sorted and divert all that pent up anxiety in a different direction. Like Celebrity Big Brother.