I WAS looking for something exciting to do on Saturday. So I decided to go and look into a black hole. Not any old hole mind you, but THE black hole at the Tate Modern.

It was not a task to be undertaken with any degree of flippancy. There had already been reports of injury when one ‘art’ fan had bloodied his nose a couple of days previously after walking into one of the walls you can’t see.

I’m not a Philistine and can appreciate off-the-wall art. Some of it is fun – like when the sun was a replicated at the Tate and I’m a big fan of the Spanish Catalan artist Miro.

Other modern art, however, seems to be the product of some very strange minds, Dali being a case in point.

The work in question at the Tate is ‘How It Is’ by Miroslaw Balka. Standing at the bottom of the ramp you see people walk up into the cavernous dark void and they turn into shades of grey before disappearing completely from view. The decision you face is whether or not to join them.

The artist says: “The container focuses you inwards, both physically and psychologically, deeper into the darkness.”

Well it would if the muppets who ignored the rules about flash photography inside didn’t rather spoil it all.

Anyway I bumped into some interesting people wandering around in The Black Hole. There was Wycombe Wanderers fan Albert who said it was certainly more interesting than anything he’d seen on the pitch so far this season.

I also came across postman Simon who was looking for a very dark place to shove a letter to Lord Peter Mandelson.

Then there was a group of economists groping around saying they were sure they had seen some light at the end of the tunnel.

I swear that a lump of metal in one corner was Frogmoor fountain. At least you can’t see it’s not working anymore and there was also a gaggle of MPs aimlessly milling about hoping to avoid getting swept up in the net to payback expenses.

TALKING of being in the dark, what about 65-year-old Yorkshire farmer Roland Norcliffe who was fined by magistrates for failing to “meet the psychological needs” of a cow because his barn was too dark.

He was fined £150 and ordered to pay £50 costs and – yup I found this bit amusing as well – a £15 victim surcharge.

I’m sure the cows in question will have a good night out on the town with that princely sum.

The whole thing is crackers of course. Bob Carr, representing Norcliffe, told the magistrates: “I don’t know what the psychological or ethological needs of these cows are. I still have no idea how much lighting is appropriate for a cow.”

Mr Norcliffe has now installed a generator in the barn to provide lighting – even though he still has no electricity in his own farmhouse at Scammonden.

One thing’s for sure, he certainly won’t be taking his cows to see Balka’s work at the Tate Modern, though you may come across a few magistrates wandering around in the dark.