AT some point there was a dramatic change on the evolutionary path between Neanderthals and Modern Day Man (and Woman of course).

A particular species called Researcher emerged from the primal soup, a sudden branch line on the smooth track between 600,000 years ago and 2009.

Primitive man happily ran around clubbing and spearing animals, eating the raw meat and wrapping themselves up in the skins. Today Homo sapiens buy clothes off the peg, meals from superstores and carefully cook the food in microwaves.

We have evolved, but in the process life has become more complex and it’s the species Researcher who is constantly screwing things up for us.

Just when you thought it was safe to drink red wine, for instance, because Researcher said it was full of good things, he turns round a month later with dire warnings about the stuff.

You know it to be true. Not a week goes by when some research paper or other comes out with completely opposite views of previous proclamations.

Let’s take coffee for instance. Now I’m a big fan of the stuff. I can happily sit in a coffee shop all day with a newspaper or good book.

So I’m delighted when Researcher tells me it’s the business because the tannins and antioxidants are good for the heart and arteries, that it can relieve headaches and help strengthen the liver so preventing cirrhosis and gallstones.

Oh, and I’m talking about ‘proper’ coffee here, not that wishy-washy stuff.

In the past, however, researchers have also said that coffee drinkers are at a higher risk of cardiovascular inflammation. Now there is another dire warning. I found it in a little three paragraph story last Wednesday when my highly-trained eyes instantly focussed on two words ‘research shows’. I’m irrevocably drawn to the phrase.

This latest research warns us that more than three cups of strong coffee a day puts us at risk from hallucinations.

This research has emerged from Durham University in a report, Personality and Individual Differences. It says that coffee boosts levels of cortisol, which is a stress hormone.

If we drink seven cups of instant coffee or three of brewed coffee a day we are likely to suffer from hallucinations, hear or see things and think we can sense ghosts (though I thought too much whisky would make you see spirits).

So what’s species Researcher telling us here?

Well in a nutshell that coffee is good for the heart and liver, bad for the cardiovascular system – of which I believe the heart plays an integral part – and makes you hallucinate. Confused?

I’m still waiting for researchers to ‘discover’ that breathing is bad for us because it releases negative ions into our lungs.

Meanwhile, next time I’ve enjoyed a coffee shop session and hear someone asking me to pay the bill as I leave, I’ll just put it down to the voices in my head.