I have decided to downsize myself, make myself more cost-effective and profitable. I intend to outsource my human existence to another person who would be willing to live my life for me from now on.

I hope that a much younger man will take on my existence. If he does, it may mean that I can play football again. I would love to have the feeling again of sheer joy as I sweep into the oppositions penalty area and smack the ball hard past the goalkeeper.

I will pick a man that does not smoke. He will also be slim. That should keep the partner I leave to him happy!

He would also be a good dancer, mathematician and be fertile. He would be qualified in a subject that would always keep the money rolling in. He would be calm and not possess a Welsh temper.

What else could I outsource to him?

My collection of 70’s vinyl singles. There are a few in there that are strange and off the wall. Perhaps I will include my poetry collection. Written over the years with a few published, they mirror my thoughts and feelings at very difficult times in my life.

Funny really, outsourcing my life is like dying. I can’t think of many things that someone else will enjoy remembering or keeping.

My family would naturally be part of the deal. My soul-mate will find them quite interesting. He won’t speak to Nigel, my elder brother much. I haven’t seen him for nearly five years now. No rows or anything, we live too far apart to be close.

My brother David, an ex-copper, and a truly great brother, He is very reliable and will look upon my outsourcing with bewilderment. At least he won’t have to worry about his little brother anymore.

And on to Susan. Like me, she is rather large in personality and weight. But the best sister ever – fact.

After outsourcing myself, my soul can now start to take life a little easier. I may be able to take the time to consider the bigger issues in life. Life, the universe and everything.

And I will insist that I can have my life back at anytime. Especially if it is in better nick than it is now.

If you had the chance to outsource your life, who would you chose to live it for you and why?