You’d think that being in a warm country for a couple of weeks would do wonders for a couple’s intimacy. Yes, if only it wasn’t for the shorts.

I don’t want to see men’s legs. Not even a pair of sporty, bronzed legs wearing tailored shorts. I like the mystery of trousers.

But pair those shorts with flip flops and it’s like being in the water at the sinking of the Titanic… A sort of heavy, swirling downward spiral in my passions.

I’m used to seeing my hubby in smart trousers and shoes, bike gear when he goes to work (mmm… OK, stop that). I like it like that.

Please men: put some trousers on.

Now for three quarter length sleeves. What for? I suppose that’s the point of fashion: things that are (thought to be) mildly attractive but are stupid really. I want one and three-quarter length sleeves: ones that reach beyond my wrists to my knuckles. I’ll roll them up if I get too warm, if I feel like it.

It gets worse. Boots with open toes. I’ll be honest I’ve never seen anyone wearing a pair but someone must buy them. Yeah, keep your ankles dry and have sodden socks and numb toes. Do you even wear tights or socks with them? I don’t know. I suppose you only wear them when it’s dry…

There’s also acrylic, plastic shoes (I have almost daily ‘debates’ with my daughter about the virtues of leather shoes: “Plastic shoes are for Barbie!”), fingerless gloves (I need this explaining to me properly), shorts in winter (with tights), bare legs/sandals in winter…

But there’s worse. And I might be accused of sexism here. Men have started plucking their eyebrows. There are many male TV presenters who are clearly wearing lip gloss and eye shadow. I’m sorry for my backward views but it makes me slightly queasy. Can you imagine getting close to one of these men and they smell of…Rimmel or No. 7. Eurrrgh. Have some of my baby wipes and get that muck off!

There is some good in all this. Something I have enjoyed for a while is men in cardigans. Gives them a studious, serious look. They make me think of grandpas whizzed back in time. Except the young chaps wearing them probably haven’t got as many interesting stories. (Not that all senior people are interesting…)

I can’t go without mentioning the ‘Strictly’ look… Girls: those extreme false eyelashes and fake tan… There’s a particularly dull look to some of the tans (the colour of a bruised apple or oxtail soup) and I can’t concentrate when girls serving me have eyelashes that resemble a trapped bird fluttering desperately.

So is there a pattern here? Cover up and take your make up off? Probably.

Coming from me – a woman who longs to dress 1920s style, shops in charity shops and knits her own phone cases, all this can be dismissed as the ramblings of someone who hasn’t followed for fashion for decades. That’s right.

My own dress mistakes just get thrown into the under-the-bed-suitcase of experiences labelled, ‘Idiot moments’.

These include wearing false nails to a function (couldn’t hold my cutlery), cycling shorts, straightening my hair (this significantly accentuated my nose…), my neighbour seeing me in a hair net and once having a three piece tartan trouser suit.

I just can’t add anything to that.